Beyond my control.

Again...I’m in the same position all over again. He is so freaking hot and cold that it’s driving me crazy! So he wasn’t brushing me off. But this thing where he’s talking to the other woman that works here is making me so dang jealous that I can’t see straight. I cried on the way home after my last post because I was so frustrated with him and myself and this whole situation. I honestly can’t believe that I can’t move past it. He’s such an idiot. Then the morning after he left here for his night off, he texted me asking me to come home early so we could have some fun. Of course I gave in! Because I’m an idiot too!!!

And now we’re back to him texting whenever, me not initiating anything for fear of seeming like a clingy woman, and then just waiting around until he’s ready. I didn’t have this problem with other FWB. Mainly because I knew what it was going into it and I didn’t like him before. Working with a FWB is hard. Honestly hard. I was hoping that he’d come around to wanting more by now, but it’s obvious that he won’t. So now I’m left with do I continue on as is and maybe pursue something with someone else? Because I don’t really want to wait around for him to come to his senses. That’s not what I want at all. But then I feel like I’m giving up on something that I think could be good even though he doesn’t realize it. So do I do what’s right for me by finding someone who wants more or do I play this emotional game of “will he ever come around?”

I did tell him that my mom knows now. I wasn’t truthful at all about how she found out – I told her. I lied to him because I know how badly he doesn’t want anyone to know. And I think that by telling him, he won’t be interested in coming around anymore. If that’s the case I hope the pain and questioning doesn’t last long. What am I talking about the pain is an everyday thing. When he’s with me or texting me, I know his attention is on me. When I see him checking his phone here at work and I know he’s not texting me, I get so jealous. I wish I wasn’t that way. I wish I could just play this thing off as if it were nothing but fun. But it’s not. Not anymore. And maybe that’s my problem. Maybe not having fun (because he’s not coming around to my way of thinking) is why I’m being so emotional about it. It’s something that is beyond my control and I don’t like that at all. I thought that if I played cool he’d come around to thinking that I was the woman he wanted to date, not just have sex with. But that isn’t happening and that’s why I’m being so irrational about it all. BEYOND MY CONTROL.