I’m having a hard time dealing with what’s going on because I can’t talk to anyone about it. I’ve done something bad. I slept with a friend. But that’s not the bad thing. The bad thing is that he’s a friend of my best friend too. And at one time my best friend thought she was in love with him. And I really think she still likes him or would like him more if he showed any interest in her outside of friendship. If she knew about us she’d probably be so upset that she’d never speak to me again.
The bad thing about all of this is I’m totally ok with being in a friends with benefit situation with him but here’s the other bad thing, we work together. Actually all three of us work at the same place. We all work in different departments and don’t see each all that often, but I see him often enough. I’ve made excuses to go to the area where he works more often than normal since we first slept together. I’m being stupid about the whole thing.
I’ve had a FWB situation before but I’ve never really, truly like the guy for anything more than what it was. What makes this one different is that I’ve liked him since I first met him. Like really liked him. And I thought I’d do better with the situation than I have but I want to contact him. I want him to contact me. I want him to want to contact me. The hardest part of my day/night is keeping my fingers away from my cellphone so that I won’t text him. I keep telling myself that if I wait long enough he’ll contact me. But that isn’t happening. And then I’m constantly wondering if he’s thinking about me. I’m being such a girl about it. I hate it.
So I’m not having as many conflicting thoughts about what if my BF finds out so I must not really care that much about that relationship. If I really cared, I’d probably wonder more about what she’d do if she found out or what can I do to ensure that she doesn’t find out. But I don’t really care all that much. I really, really don’t. Instead I’m wondering more about the stupid guy.
And what makes this situation even worse is that I’m not a spring chicken. I’m in my mid-30s and I’m acting like I’m in my 20s or even worse, teen years. What the hell!!!??? Grow up. I just need to forget about him and move on. But I don’t want to because I really want him to like me. Not as a FWB but as a girlfriend. I know it’s stupid to want that. I want to pull my hair out and scream at the world, hoping he’ll realize I’m the person he wants. I don’t think that will ever actually happen but I so desperately want that.
It’s quite the quandary, huh? If it was anyone else I’d probably have moved on by now. Damn it. Wake up and smell the coffee and move the f@#$ on. That’s what needs to be done. Move along. Move on. Find someone that will love me for me, not for the sex that we’ve had. And that’s just it, when I do hear from him, he expresses interest but never initiates anything. I’ve left an open-ended invitation to him to come see me whenever he’s in the mood, but still nothing.
I know, I know…move on. Let him do the chasing because if he’s really truly interested he’ll initiate contact. Just wait it out and pray that things will work themselves out.
No comments:
Post a Comment