I’m trying real hard not to fall for him. But it’s not working. I try the acting cool thing and I wonder if I’m coming off as bitchy. Or I try to act nonchalant and I wonder if he thinks I’m not interested. I wish there was a way to know, without asking him directly, if he was even remotely interested in me outside of the sex. I think this is going to end badly for me. I can feel myself getting sucked in already and opening up my heart to lots of misery. And still the very worst part of my idiocy is that I can’t even talk to anyone about it. I can’t tell my BFF because I fear of what she’ll say, even if she is acting like it doesn’t bother her. Maybe I should go back to Saturday night and give the details…

So Saturday night was a night of birthday celebrations. A couple of guys from work had parties, one that stayed at the bar, and the other that required a limo to take people everywhere. We followed along in a separate vehicle because BFF was adamant that this was going to be a short night and that she didn’t want to drink much. Let’s just say that’s not how the night went. We started at party #1 and enjoyed a few drinks. We knew that BFFs last one-night stand was going to be arriving with the people for party #2 and she was nervous so she had three drinks. I had 3 beers and felt good. Of course our mutual friend, my FWB guy, was also going to be with the group for party #2. To say that I was nervous would be an understatement. I didn’t really want to see him in a public setting like that because, well I don’t know, I guess because I’ve seen him naked. That sounds stupid saying it, but it’s a little more than that. We’ve seen each other at work and talked briefly there, but this would be the first time a very, very long time (almost a year) that we’ve actually socialized together.

When FWB showed up he gave both BFF and I hugs, so the initial contact was easy. After that, we saw each other a few times at party #1. When it was decided that we were going to leave for party #2 (the large group going in the limo and many others following in vehicles, including us). We arrived at another bar and mingled while some of the guys played different activities. FWB was casual with me and I was glad for that. Everyone talked and drank more and things were good. I was still a little nervous but not like initially. We had been friendly and not distant and things were going well. On to the next bar…same kind of deal, we drank and had a good time but didn’t stay long. No communication there. On to the last bar…we had more shots and drank and everyone was feeling great. I lost BFF when she went to go to the evil girl that was with the limo group. I mingled and chatted with people. Things were good. Last call. We drank everything down and started for the door. There were four individuals total in my group, including our DD and we were missing BFF. So we stood outside and out walked FWB. DD and FWB and I chatted about FWB’s attire. Then FWB gave me a hug, then surprisingly a kiss, then another hug, then another kiss. Now DD and friend #4 were all right there. I’m sure I was red from head to toe with embarrassment and for the record FWB was way more drunk than me and my group because he’d started significantly earlier than us. He ambled off towards the limo and I just stood there. I’m sure I had a look on my face similar to “I can’t believe that just happened!!!” I tried to act nonchalant and finally BFF came out of the bar.

We proceeded to birthday boy’s house and right when we got in the car, BFF was talking about getting sick. When we got to the house, she went straight to the master bedroom’s bath and proceeded to get sick. Skip forward two hours, lots of puking, lots of talking, lots of reassuring, lots of “what the heck do we do now,” we decided that BFF and I would stay at birthday boy’s house with the other stragglers that couldn’t drive. FWB agreed to give us a ride home in the morning. All settled. I get blankets to sleep on the floor and was going to get a pillow, when FWB came to find out if everything was ok. I said it was and asked where he was sleeping, then offered the floor where I was. He shook his head – I don’t know if it was in agreement or not but about 30 minutes later he showed up. We cuddled and he snored the night away.

3-4 hours later BFF wakes up and we talk a little to make sure she’s ok. We chat about what’s going to happen as we both have to get home ASAP. We talk a little about the nights happenings, why FWB is on the floor with me, where everyone else went, etc. We finally call BFFs sister to come get us because trying to get FWB to wake up is not happening, until loud girl comes in and starts being obnoxious and loud. He’s awake ever so slightly. Loud girl leaves, and both BFF and I lay back down, me to FWBs open arms. That’s right he opened his arms and patted the floor where he wanted me to lay next to him. I did. Who wouldn’t want to cuddle a little more??? He had a little more in mind than cuddling, because he fondled and caressed different parts of my chest and stomach. All the while, giving me silent kisses to the back of the head. It was so nice. I forget what it’s like to wake up to a man. And I miss that intimacy. He rolled me over to face him and then looked over his shoulder to see if BFF was looking our way. She wasn’t at that moment…so he kissed me. The bad part of that was that her phone rang at the EXACT same time he chose to kiss me. I looked right at her when he did it but I think she was slightly distracted with the phone. I promptly got up and we left to wait for her sister outside.

It was a strange yet fun night. And now, afterwards, BFF has asked me a couple of times about FWBs actions because our DD also works with BFF, so she gave her the full scoop of the happenings. I played it off as FWB was drunk and didn’t know what he was doing. Same as the morning kiss…he was being friendly. She says she’s ok with it, but I have this nagging feeling that she’s not really. She liked him for a long time. And I can usually tell when she’s lying. FWB and I have texted lots since that night, everyday for a very long time each day. But nothing really gets said about “us” or what’s happening there…it’s more of a rehash of that night.

So here I sit and wonder what’s going on. Remembering the times we’ve spent together, feeling him lying next to me, on top of me, behind me. It’s a good feeling. And I like him. Really, really like him. I want him to like me back though. As more than a FWB though. I’m too old for this. I know better. I know that it won’t end well for me and that I won’t be able to talk to anyone about it and that I’ll suffer in silence. I’ll be the one in pain, yet I can’t stop it. I can’t stop liking him. I can’t stop wishing things would work out. I’m sad about the whole situation.