I have to stop going over in his general direction. I do stupid things and embarrass myself. I really need to stop that. I need to stay away and do my own work and just steer clear of him. When I see him I want him to be excited to see me but I’m pretty sure he dreads hearing whatever comes out of my mouth. And a lot of times I can’t help myself. I intentionally say things that I know I shouldn’t just to embarrass him. What the heck is wrong with me??? I knew this was going to be a problem. And why can’t I just act like the cool FWB chick that he wants? It’s not like I haven’t done that before with someone else. But I never liked them like I like him. I’m being such a stupid girl about the whole situation. When he leaves work before me in the morning I wonder if he goes somewhere else before going to his apartment. I get jealous thinking that he might be seeing someone else, which is completely stupid because I knew going into this deal that he and I weren’t going to have anything besides a FWB relationship. But then that night happened and I thought maybe, just maybe, after he kissed me in front of our mutual friends, and copped a feel in front of BFF, that maybe he felt more than just FWB.
I guess not though, because since then he’s sent a drunk text about wanting to spend some fun time with me and then he shows up and he decides he doesn’t feel well enough to do anything so we just sit and chat. I’m not going to lie, I was PISSED. And more than that I was hurt. Like I wasn’t good enough. I’m sad that he doesn’t want more than FWB. The worst part of that situation was that I actually saw him walking up town that night to go to the bar and I hadn’t heard from him in days. I was hurt that he was going out and hadn’t said anything, even though he never has before. I realized then that I needed to get over him. And more importantly, move on. That was a harsh truth that I needed to be slapped with, because I would have continued to pine after him and wish that he was interested in more. So I’d decided to move on…then the drunken text. Damn him.
So I’ve decided I’m not texting him anymore. Which is good for me. But I can’t stop going over to his work area. I’m friends with some of the people over there so I’ll go chat with them and intentionally look for him. I’ve got to stop doing that so I stop saying the stupidest crap ever. I’m a dumbass. A complete and total dumbass. I thought I was smarter than that and more mature about those situations. I need another cold harsh dose of reality to slap me in the face. The night I thought he was going to see someone else, I nearly cried. What the hell is wrong with me? MOVE ON! But I can’t because I keep torturing myself by going over there to see him. I’ve done well tonight. I saw him early on, but haven’t been back over that direction since I first got here. He’s been over here once to see me. I wish he wouldn’t do that. It gets my hopes up. And this is why the cycle continues…
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