I put my headphones on and I am transported to another world where things happen around me but I don’t really know what’s going on. I enjoy that. It makes the night pass so much more quickly. And that’s what I’m hoping for. This night passes quickly, then tomorrow, and the next night, and on and on. Until this outage ends and I can go back to working days and having a “normal” life…where I can participate in the real world during normal business hours and where other people live. I miss that place. But in the meantime I read so I can get qualified so I can do my job or the job I was actually hired to do. I’m dreading that time, but at the same time looking forward to doing more. And I think getting qualified will help get some of the respect I need from my boss. He and I don’t see eye to eye so this might be my one chance to get him to see that I’m serious about this job.

As for all the other business…it’s still a daily struggle. I linger between wanting to contact work-FWB and not. I want him to initiate contact but he doesn’t, which tells me that he’s definitely not interested. I have moved on in the broader sense of the word, meaning I don’t constantly wonder about what he’s doing or who he’s talking to, but at the same time, I miss chatting/texting with him. He did come see me tonight which made me feel good…even gave me a back rub. It was nice having his hands on me. Made me miss the intimate contact we’ve had. Stupid, I know. Sometimes you just can’t help it. We didn’t chat about much but it was nice seeing him.

I think I made a mistake though confiding in someone I wouldn’t normally talk to about these things. I have a coworker that likes to tell me about all his problems and he asks for advice, which I gladly give even though I know he won’t actually do what I suggest. The other night, I’m not sure what was going thru my head, but I made a comment about being in a not so good mood and he asked what was wrong. Call it a moment of weakness AND stupidity, but I told him. I wanted to hear his perspective on the situation. Specifically why would work-FWB say let’s keep this a secret, yet publically show affection by kissing me and then spend the night with me in such a public way. Coworker gave me some good insight and also confirmed to me what I’d already known. I was familiar. He had shown affection to me before and being drunk showed affection again, even if it was so publically. That’s it. Nothing more. No underlying desire for more. It was good hearing it from a guy. That was what my rational mind was telling me. Although coworker did ask if I was embarrassed to be seen with work-FWB…I was actually shocked to hear him ask the question, because that’s the furthest thing from my mind. I’m honored, for lack of a better way to say it, that he kissed me so publically. There were plenty of other single available women that night that he could have chosen to be with, but he picked me. I wouldn’t have chosen for it to end any other way, outside of maybe telling everyone that I was his girlfriend!

I’m slowly restoring myself back to normal…whatever that might be. I’m not going over as often to where he’s working and I’m trying my best to not initiate contact, letting him be the one to start first. But I also don’t want him to think that I’m backing away from our friendship. That might sounds stupid, but I’m afraid if I stop texting him that he’ll go back to BFF. Because it’s already happened. He texted her for the first time the other night because he and I haven’t been exchanging them as often. At least that’s what my irrational mind is telling me. There will come a point when I no longer care. Until that day arrives, my mind is going to continue to go both directions.