Reality sets in...

I’m making less and less excuses to myself and to go see him in his work area. I think that’s a marked improvement on my part. However, I still get excited when I get a text message until I see it’s not from him. I find myself looking to see if the message light is blinking on my phone when I’m not in the same room, looking to see if I missed the sound of the text. That’s stupid I know. But I can’t help myself. I try not to be disappointed that I haven’t seen him for 2 days/nights, but I can’t help myself from that either.

I’ve heard from my other FWB and I’m thinking that we’re going to see each other sometime this week. I need something to distract me from thinking about work-FWB all the time. Some days it hurts that I can’t talk to my BFF about it, but I know that can’t ever happen. She can’t ever know what stupidity I’ve done, or the mess I’ve created. My solitary confinement as I call it. That’s not a healthy thing to do…create a situation where you can’t talk to anyone about it and where it just keeps eating at you.

I’m moving on I guess. Still going slowly and trying not to be too neurotic about everything. But it hurts. Because I really do like him. I really would be interested to see if things could work out between us. I’m attracted to him in a way that I haven’t been attracted to anyone since my ex. But just like my ex, I think work-FWB might not be the best choice for me. (Why does that always happen?) He tends to be negative and grumpy. And I’m not sure if he’ll ever be “happy” or content. He’s sarcastic like me and has a tendency to see things as half empty like me too. But we’re different in so many more ways. He likes to drink more than me and I’m so afraid of that because of growing up with an alcoholic. I don’t want to love anyone like my dad. I don’t want that in my life. He does have a good financial head on his shoulders. He doesn’t spend his money on stupid stuff and actually has saved up quite a bit of money. It’s like I’m making a checklist and that’s not even necessary. He’s not choosing me. He’s chosen to go on without me. I need to remember that.

He’s not choosing me. If he were, he’d come see me, he’d text me, he’d email me or communicate with me in some way. but he’s not doing that. HE’S NOT CHOOSING TO BE WITH ME.