Progression

So we’re working nights because the place we work has to shut down and do some maintenance. We do that on a regular basis. And I’m on nights and so is FWB. BFF is working a midshift thing where she’s here for the day and night shift. It works out because I get to see her periodically and chat for a few minutes before she gets to go home, otherwise we wouldn’t see each other at all. Last night I went and go dinner and brought it in for us so we could have a bit of “girly chat time” aka catching up time. It was nice…until I said something about chatting with FWB, who again is a mutual friend. She then told me that she hasn’t really heard from him that much since “that night.” I told her that outside of that and seeing him a few times at work I really hadn’t either. What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. I do talk to him almost every night but not really about anything. Mostly chitchat, stuff about work, etc… He texts me only because I have already made up my mind that I’m not texting him. I’m not going to give him the impression that I want to talk to him more than outside of work. I don’t want him to think that I don’t have other things going on. I have a life outside of him and work and the few things he knows about me. I’m also not waiting around for him to contact me. I can’t. It’s not healthy for me. I can’t do that because I can’t sit around and wait. Although it’s funny that he sent me a text the other night at work asking if I’d had any “fun” since we started nights (keep in mind that his group has been on nights for two weeks now, but mine has only been on nights for one week). I haven’t because I’m just to discombobulated to do much of anything but sleep. But what I should have told him was #1 it’s none of your business #2 no I haven’t. Why would he ask me that? He has no business asking me that. But for the record, my old-FWB guy has been texting me about coming to see me and I told him that I’m off in the afternoons and he should come see me then – which works best with his schedule. I’d really like to see old-FWB because he was a lot of fun and I could be myself with him and not worry about anything (like how I look, am I too fat, did I just say something stupid). I never had any expectations with him because I knew going into it that our relationship was purely sexual. I didn’t overthink things and go crazy in the head with him. Of course I didn’t like him before I slept with him, which is exactly how it went with work-FWB.

And I think that’s really why I’ve had such a hard time with moving on. I’ve liked work FWB for a long time. Since before I broke up with my last boyfriend, almost a year ago. BFF and I went out to the local bars because work-FWB asked her to come out (they were friends, really good friends but no benefits) because he was out with some friends too. I had just broke up with my boyfriend and was getting totally trashed with my cousins who live next door to BFF. So BFF joined us and we drank there for a bit, then we met work-FWB uptown for more drinks. That’s when I really met him and took one look and fell head over heels for him. Granted that wasn’t the best situation to do it in but I couldn’t really control it. I remember telling him that if BFF hadn’t already staked a claim to him, that I’d be all over him. At that time BFF thought she liked him and I didn’t really know him that well, but he was exactly what I like – stocky, not too much taller than me, and beautiful eyes. He’s blonde which is not normally “my type” but he’s a good looking man. Anyway, I knew that night that I’d met someone I was interested in, but since BFF had already claimed him, then he was off limits to me. However we did exchange numbers that night and he would text me periodically but it really didn’t start to increase until sometime during the summer when I was meeting a guy for the first time and work-FWB asked what I was doing that night. I told him exactly what I was doing and that started us texting back and forth about more intimate things. And ever since then we’ve texted more and chatted at work more. Of course things didn’t progress past that until he went out with 2 other guys and BFF to some drinking event. The next day he texted me when he was hungover about how horny he was and how he wanted to have some fun with me. At the time I was a little surprised and maybe even shocked. But I wanted it just as bad so I said ok. That was the first time we were together. And it was great. We enjoyed each other thoroughly and had a lot of fun, twice! It was nice being with someone I actually cared about. Plus we talked and talked and talked about all kinds of things, ex’s, work, friends, high school, and even BFF. I had missed being intimate and sharing time with someone. Then just a little over a week later he came over for some more fun. And it was just as good, but even better x3! And again we talked and shared little things about our pasts and our individual futures. It was a great time. Then nothing from him for a really long time. Then “that night” happened. And we started texting again and then I went crazy in the head. Thankfully I don’t think he has any idea how crazy my mind went. In fact one of those nights in bed he asked me “you’re not going to go crazy on me are you?” I laughed and shook my head no at the time, thinking “if only you knew that I liked you for more than just this FWB type relationship.”

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised at how it’s gone. He doesn’t know that I like him or that at one point, a couple of months ago, I even told my mom and sister-in-law that I liked him. I had to tell someone about our situation though. I couldn’t keep it in and since I couldn’t tell my BFF, I told my mom and another of my BFFs. I knew they both wouldn’t care. And I had to tell because it was just eating at me. Taking over my life and my every waking thought. In fact it got so bad that I couldn’t sleep and would get sick to my stomach. I think I’m finally reaching the point of moving on. Or moving past the point of thinking he wanted anything more than just sex. It took my heart and irrational mind a while longer to realize what my rational mind had already determined. Sometimes it’s hard to see that when we want those things to happen so bad. It’s not easy to realize that we can’t always have what we desire. Besides that who knows if we’d even click beyond the bedroom. There’s no guarantee that we’d get along or even be compatible. Unfortunately my mind doesn’t always work like it should…it took longer than I wanted, but I realize that now. The process of moving on is progressing just fine.