I hate myself.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, mostly because I’ve just been coasting along, trying not to think too much about work-FWB. That works most days. He hasn’t been coming over to see me but he’ll sometimes email me when it’s slow over in his area. I’ve gotten a little perturbed with him lately because for some reason he’s found it necessary to ask me about other women that work for our place of business and who have had some kind of “crush” on him or were interested in him. I don’t know why he finds it necessary to do that, but it’s really starting to piss me off. Actually it makes me jealous. That’s the honest truth. I get jealous that he wants to talk about these other women and then I start thinking “why is he doing that?” There has to be a reason why he’s asking me about them or talking about them. Or he could be just as dense as he says he is and doesn’t think anything about it. I really don’t understand it though. I don’t talk to him about other guys here that I’ve ever had an interest in or that might have had an interest in me. But that’s probably because we are at two different places in whatever it is that is going on with us.

He really is able to keep it separate. The friends vs. friends with benefits thing I mean. He doesn’t have a problem being friends here at work and then being intimate outside of work. How do guys do that??? Because it’s just another piece of ass to them? Because sex without actual feelings is easier for them? Or maybe because he doesn’t really care who he’s intimate with?

And then there’s me. I like him. Can’t help that. I’d like for it to be more, but as long as he’s carrying on this way, then it’s out of the realm of possibilities. Women get too attached. I know this. Yet it’s still hard to actually see it firsthand that he’s ok with just sex and I’m pining away for him, secretly.

Back to the jealousy thing. As I said before, he hasn’t been coming over to see me as much and at first it hurt my feelings, not that I’d ever tell him that, but then I just figured he was busier over there and couldn’t come over. Then he sends me an email saying that he’s visited with a couple other single women over there and now he’s bored. WTF? Seriously. I wanted to slap him. Like really, really slap him hard. Instead I guilted him into coming over to see me. DUMB, dumb, dumb. But why should I have to do that? Because he doesn’t give a shit about me. That’s why. And if I say something I’m the clingy girl that wants more and that’s just not cool, at least not cool to him. Is it too much to ask for him to show some kind of feeling? Yes. Because he doesn’t want anything else so he doesn’t need to show any feelings. Duh.

And then just when I think I’ve talked myself into being over him and his stupid shit, he sends a text and starts talking about being together intimately again. And then I get my hopes up again. And then I go thru the same pining shit all over again too. I’m such an idiot. Mostly because I keep telling myself that if I keep acting cool about the situation he’ll realize how much he wants to be with me. Now if that isn’t the stupidest rationalization ever, I don’t know what is. I know I’m not being smart about it.

After the last time I really was going to tell BFF about it, but he asked me not too again. So I told my mom and my sister-in-law about it instead. Mostly because they won’t care and won’t say anything. And because I had to tell someone!!! But then my SIL asked me a question that I really hadn’t thought too much about. She asked me if he wouldn’t let me tell because he was embarrassed for others to know that he was having sex with me. I hadn’t thought about that at all before she mentioned it. Now that’s all I can think about. He’s embarrassed and doesn’t want anyone to know he’s having sex with me. Of course. I’m not pretty, I’m fat, I’m a bitch, and I’m definitely not the type he’s normally interested in. Now it makes sense. And you’d think that was enough for me to walk away from him and this asinine situation but no I haven’t and can’t make myself do it. I really am stupid. There is no other excuse why I’m not.

I’m being one of those women that I normally make fun of and laugh at. I’m not being the strong, independent woman that I normally am. I’m not even thinking rationally. Those are things that piss me off so badly that I think I can walk away from it. Yet the thought of even the slightest chance of being able to maybe have something more with him makes me stick with it. For real. I so hate myself for that. I hate that I can’t think about my own happiness and well-being that I continue to keep myself locked into this very one-sided situation. And I can’t even call it a relationship because it really isn’t one. It’s not like he’s said he’s not going to be with other women and he’s never asked me to not see anyone else. (BECAUSE HE DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT!!!) That should be the biggest indicator right there that I should walk away.

I hate myself now almost more than I did when I knew my last relationship was ending but I didn’t want to end it because it was nice being able to say I had a boyfriend. I was an idiot then, and I’m a bigger one now.